tonight, i am going to practice loving myself. Since my partner is still away, i have had time to think about myself and my relationship with her, and my relationship with myself. Whenever I think about myself, i see someone with low self-worth and mountains of self-loathing. i see my job-hopping as failures; i was never GREAT at anything -- always "good" but i never went to the efforts to excel.
but i want to excel in this relationship. i am going to be an expert at loving M, and i need to love myself first.

i happen to have the most amazing person i have ever met loving me more than i have ever been loved -- so i must be worth loving. i just need to find that in myself. so tonight i am going to practice that. i am going to look deep and find the things that make me worth loving, and i am going to appreciate them.

Things have been going smoothly with M. For a few days, I almost forgot that I still have LOTS of work to do. I was recently reminded that I am doing this recovery for my own good, and not just for the relationship. So even though the relationship seems to be stabilized and we acknowledge our love for each other is strong, I have to keep working hard at recovery for my own well-being. Of course, this will have the added benefit of also helping me become a better partner to M.
so, it is win-win. I am better for me, and this better me helps to strengthen my relationship to the most amazing person I know.

I find it impossibly sad that one day I am on top of the world and next day the the sky seems to falls in. This hasn't happened in a while, but i know it exists in me. More of the black and white, all or nothing thinking that I am trying to unlearn. When things are good with my partner, they are really good and I feel so content and happy and loved. But at the first sign of struggle, i think the world is caving in, and i am expecting her to burn all of my things and throw me out of the house.
I know, intellectually, that she wouldn't do that, and further, that every relationship includes some struggles. It isn't a sign of the end of the world.
(i know this is more than "a struggle" in our relationship -- i seriously damaged her trust and made her question everything about me and us)

I suppose these are the ups and downs of life. How do we deal with them? I guess this question is at the heart of my inner work right now.
I tend to put up my armor and try not to feel because when I feel, I cry and am vulnerable. I keep myself busy and distracted (well, that was my old pattern -- i have been less busy recently, which is good. it has allowed me time to think about myself to enjoy the simple things like cooking with M)
I was always afraid of what would happen if I slowed down. I would have to look at myself, oh no! I have the time now to see what I was trying to avoid.

As I get more comfortable digging around in my mind, I learn what makes me tick and more importantly, what makes me want to act out. It has not been easy to pull away my armor because it has forced me to take a hard look at what is beneath it. After I stopped acting out, all I saw was a wretched, whiny boy with a bad attitude, low self-esteem, downright self-loathing, and living in a state of delusion because of acting out and not coming to terms with any of my shit.
This period of pulling-back taught me that not acting out will not kill me. Just the opposite, it showed me I have a chance to live more fully without wasting endless hours and energy on intrigues, affairs, and obsessing.
This has been like peeling off my skin. The raw meat that is exposed right now is codependence.
I am coming to understand that everything wrong about me comes from the same issues that drive my codependence. I did not have affairs because I liked those people, hell, I "loved" them, but it was not love, it was codependent, toxic, childish neediness. because in the end, I really did not like any of them. Not truly.


I read somewhere that obsessive thoughts and compulsive urges have three characteristics:
Duration, Intensity, and Frequency.
I don't think I can control how hard my compulsions will hit. In time, after not acting out, i think the intensity will be focused elsewhere, and it won't be so strong. I think maybe I can control how frequently i obsess, but that requires training I haven't mastered yet. Urges strike when they will.
the one i can control NOW is duration. If i start to fantasize about acting out, I know I can distract myself and turn off those thoughts.

This hasn't really been an issue at all -- I am still completely repulsed by the thought of even talking to someone from my past. I have no desire to maintain friendships with anyone right now,
even good friends. If they are good friends, in a few months when I feel more secure with myself and in my relationship, I can contact them and maybe they will understand and forgive my abrupt disappearance.

This afternoon, instead of the building pile of work in front of me, I have been focusing on spending money. On silly toys for my hobby.
it is great to have hobbies, but i won't actually be able to use any of this stuff until August most likly (or even SEE it, since I will have it shipped to my family)

I should be saving money for moving and a new car, not spending on things I won't use for months.

OK-- i haven't actually purchased anything yet, and i won't, but i REALLY want to.

Sometimes it is nice to treat yourself to something special. And, as I reminded M last time we were shopping, 'it is only money' and I don't mind spending it to make myself or someone else happy. But this is bordering on obsessive.
I have work to do!
I have future-plans for the money I am making now, I can't blow $400 on toys. I don't even get the satisfaction of touching this stuff, I would be buying it online and shipping it elsewhere, where it will sit unopened, for months.

I suppose this is better than contacting people I have decided to avoid. I haven't actually spent any money.
I know i should be doing my job, but it is so boring right now, and i am distracting myself. normally at this time, i would be able to trade emails with M and that would make me happy, but she is not near a computer...
(plus, i want to work on that codependence issue, which is one of the things I hoped to address in this week alone. I am sad she is gone, but i want to learn to be comfortable with myself.)

and last night was lonely, but ok -- mostly i just zoned out and played video games, but i had one thought about my past that i want to explore further.

I have been thinking about my partner's trip. We left together this morning, she to the airport and I to work...
It was strange to say goodbye to her for a week.
I have spent every minute thinking about her. not tempted yet, but it still feels like a workday for me. It will be strange to go home to an empty house.

This weekend will be the biggest challenge. I don't have any plans, and I don't know what I want to do with myself. There is a "Men's Meeting" with some of the same people who go to my face to face meeting on Sunday -- it never appealed to me. I went to a Men's weekend once in college, and it was nice to open up to other men and support each other, but I feel like my SAA meeting is basically that anyway, only one woman sometimes shows up, so mostly it is men opening up. The description one guy gave of the meeting was "men learning how to be men" or something like that, and it turned me off. but maybe an extra hour of group support would be helpful on the long lonely weekend. It's a bit far from home, but I am considering it.

Spending time thinking about myself this week will be helpful.
It's been a long time since I have had to sit in a quiet room all by myself and just think about me and my actions.

Tomorrow, my partner is taking a week-long trip without me. This is the first time in 7 months that we will be apart for more than a few hours, and we are both nervous about it.
In the past, being apart from her meant I would get lonely and bored with myself (there is alot of self-loathing) and I would act out by either talking to other people to get affection or seeking out people physically.
I promised, to myself and to her, that i would not act out. I am determined to use all the resources I have to ensure this.
So I will be journalling during lunch at work, using my online support group, going to my face to face meeting this Friday, calling my family when I want to talk.

In a way, I look forward to this challenge, because I want to know that it is possible to resist acting out for myself. I always have my partner around to remind me of exactly why I want to change. Our relationship is helping me overcome this obession. But all alone, I will be more tempted than I have been in months. I don't like "tempting fate" or testing God or whatever, but I don't think that is what is happening here. I have a support network in place, and I think I am just learning to rely on it, instead of just myself. In fact, just writing that sentence took a huge weight off my shoulders. This isn't something i have been able to defeat alone, and I am finally learning what that means and to ask for help.
I am undecided about contacting my one friend I directly asked for help, because I have become afraid that I also use her for attention. Not in the same way as others, but I am still concerned. I will pray on it.

I have started to become 'comfortable' again, and i am afraid of losing sight of the pain I caused. By all appearances, my relationship is going well (and i think it is also healing well underneath), but that is allowing me to go through the motions of life without the thought that I was putting into myself earlier in my recovery.
This makes me feel like all is OK with us, so I am neglecting my recovery.

I am working to re-focus my energies and I may take an extra hour in the evening to devote to me if work was too busy to allow that. Maybe i can just be quiet and mindful while doing a chore like the dishes, and think about myself.

I had been trying to balance recovery with the relationship, and having a life outside of both. I think hobbies are important aspects of my recovery, since I used people to fill in the boring or disappointing parts of my life, and hobbies can replace those times instead. I didn't want to become obsessed with my recovery, but i am still failing to intergrate it sucessfully. It's all or nothing still, and I am fighting that tendency in myself.

Recovery is very important to me, so I shouldn't leave it for just the convienient times -- it needs to be more active right now until I have become stronger.

I started writing this yesterday, but it just didn't sound right, and now I have more to add, so I am posting both now in one entry.

Mom came to visit last week, and i skipped my first f2f meeting since I started in recovery. It was strange to miss it. I like the time that I can spend thinking about myself without feeling like shit, because when I normally focus on me, i end up very depressed. I was prescribed some antidepressants, but I haven't started them yet, because I haven't found a therapist I can discuss this with, and the initial side-effects include deepening depression, and I am afraid of that deeper depression without a professional to speak with.

I am hesitant to write here, because things with M have improved considerably, and I don't want her to read this and have it stir up anything. Oh stupid, pain-avoiding self! I know things haven't gone away, and this is still something I think about constantly, and I am sure she thinks about it also. She is busy with other things, but I am sure this is still in her mind, and it won't go away by avoiding it.
We have been focusing on each other alot, and trying to strengthen those ties to each other. I think we are doing a good job. We love each other and still have hope for the future.

I read about this after someone mentioned it in my online group:
Namasté = I bow to the divinity in you (The life in me sees and honors the life in you.)It is commonly accompanied by a slight bow made with the hands pressed together, palms touching, in front of the chest. One hand represents the higher, spiritual nature, while the other represents the worldly self. By combining the two, the person making the gesture is attempting to rise above their differences with others, and connect themself to the person they bow to. The bow is a symbolic bow of love and respect.In other words, as long as people fully recognize the goodness of others, and can focus fully in paying homage to that, without any thoughts of self-interest or ulterior motives above paying respects wholeheartedly, they are very close to the enlightened state of mind.

I like the idea of that. That is how I want to relate to M, "without any thoughts of self-interest or ulterior motives above paying respects wholeheartedly." I want to turn my life into a testament of love, to connect to her fully.


Sometimes I get a "moment of clarity" when i can everything just a bit more in focus. all the things i have been thinking about just sharpen a bit, and i gain insight. This just happened, and it made everything a bit easier to deal with.
M has been asking casually whether anyone has contacted me, or whether I have contacted anyone. That's my bottom-line, which I haven't crossed and don't ever plan to. As I was thinking about this post, i wondered how i would handle someone emailing me. And it crystalized in my mind -- i really wouldn't care. It wouldn't make me happy at all. I thought about the people I acted out with, and I was thoroughly unimpressed. I suppose the fantasy of "a person who cares about me" is gone, and all I am left with is someone who would bore me if I talked to them now. The majority seemed sad and "damaged" and part of the fantasy was that I was making them happy, therefore I was a good person.
Which is a load of crap!
i can be a good friend, but being a good person is more than making the people around me comfortable. I can't bend to everyone's whims just to make them feel good.
Being a good person also means honoring the person I have dedicated myself to, and respecting boundaries.

I am working very hard to be that good person. I think this moment of clarity will help me -- i now see, very plainly, that the people in my past can stay there. I have nothing I want to say to them.
I used to think it was sad to leave your past in the past -- i thought making a connection with someone was giving a part of yourself, and you could only be whole if those people stayed in your life.
I know now that isn't the case, and it is better to leave people in the past. I am resolved to do that now. there is no desire to drag anyone back into my life.

This weekend was really nice, and that always encourages me. I can see a positive future because of my recovery. It gives me something to aim for. I won't let these nice weekends lure me into a false sense of security. I still have alot of work ahead of me, and I still have to heal myself and help my partner to heal. I think we are moving in that direction, but I have to be aware of that every single moment.

Reading through my online forum this morning, I read several threads about a love addict slipping and contacting their "DOC." The story, as it always does, ended with regret, confusion, shame and pain. The contact never goes right -- either it is cold and painfully distant, or it is intense and painfully close. This made me think about how contacting people from my past would go. And I almost felt sick at the very idea of it. i really do NOT want to act out. (i don't even want to call it 'acting out' or 'slipping' or whatever. It would be "failure" and there is no room in my life for that failure anymore) All of the reasons I could think of for wanting to contact someone went right out the window the very moment I thought of it. I know I am not special -- my story would go the same way that other person's story went. It would end in my regret and pain. I would be filled with shame. I would be confused at the responses, no matter what the responses are.

I can truly say that i am much happier now than I have been in a while, despite the difficulty of the emotions I am working through with my partner. Thinking about the people from my past doesn't make me feel good, it doesn't make me long for those people; it makes me ill. I need to remember this feeling, because it is really strong right now, and remembering this will help me through patches when I am feeling weak.
But honestly, I can't imagine contacting anyone anymore. I see the past for what it was, and I have no desire to return there. Why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't love me, thus alienating the person who DOES? no way! no more of that.

In my f2f meeting, we started discussing emotional maturity. One of the "signs of emotional maturity" was not seeing the world in 'all or nothing' and that gave me lots to think about.
I shared about my "fight or flight" tendencies, but when I was able to really think about it, I saw just how VERY often I think in terms of all or nothing. Obviously, the world doesn't work that way -- we make compromises all the time. I need to practice facing my fears and not hiding from them.
Why do I fear being alone? Why do I seek out affection?
I know it is cliche to look to your childhood for answers to your present problems. But surely the things that happen to you when you are young can hide in your psyche and manifest themselves later. I think I fear being alone because I always felt so alone as a child. Physically alone because Mom moved out, and Dad was always working; emotionally alone because I was always the 'odd man out' and had few true friends. I just now remembered riding my bike to my best friend's house when I was about 12. I lived in a nice suburban town, and he lived, oh 8km or so, from me, but in a much poorer neighborhood. I got there, ready to hang out and read comic books, etc, but he looked at me like I was crazy. "Don't ever ride here again! you are lucky no one stole your bike." I don't know what that story means to me right now -- at first I remember feeling distant from him, like he didnt understand why I would want to hang out with him. It was summer, no one was home to drive me to hang out with him, he was my best friend... Now I see that he did care about me and wanted me to be safe.

I have felt so lonely for so long. I get myself into relationships to make me feel full, but it never helps. I finally feel completed -- my partner is amazing and helps to round me off in so many ways. There is no way I am going to give up on this.
I also have a new relationship with myself and my HP that i am working to feed. I am learning to look into myself and connect with the pain and emptiness that I feel. For years, I had pushed the relationship I had with God into a box stuffed under my bed (metaphorically), but I am opening that box again. There are still some conflicted feelings about this, but here is a value I see in it: God loves you unconditionally. No matter how dark you feel, God is willing to love you and accept you. That is a powerful feeling if you truly have faith.
'Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.'

If I love myself, and I have the love of God, how can I feel empty? I am starting to really understand that, and it is helping me heal.

I AM willing to give up the person that I am to become the person I CAN be

"Are you willing to give up the person that you are to become the person you CAN be?"

This question was posted as part of a comment in an online forum I read. I think it captures perfectly the direction i have been heading, and the way I am approaching this addiction.
I know I have it in me to be someone better. i am walking this path to growth and change. I have too long lived the life of a child, so this process is more than just an attempt to curb my base desires and cure my addiction. This process is a life-change. I am maturing and finally becoming a man. 10 years too late, perhaps, but better late than never.

I want to deconstruct this new mantra, parsing it to reveal new meanings for me.
let's hit the bigger ideas first --
willing
adj.
1. Disposed or inclined; prepared
2. Acting or ready to act gladly; eagerly compliant
3. Done, given, accepted, or borne voluntarily or ungrudgingly.
4. Of or relating to exercise of the will; volitional.

I am changing, not because i am forced to, but voluntarily, because I see the harm I have caused and the darkness that awaits me if i continue. I am changing because i want to be better and because i think i deserve better. I sincerely want to be different because I don't like how I have been. I am also excited for this change. I am ashamed of the life I have been leading. When the time comes that I am not long in this world, I want to be able to look back over my life without regret or remorse. I can't say that about my life right now, i hurt too many people and did too many bad things. But as i grow, I can reshape my life, and live a more fulfilling existance. that sounds so wonderful.
I am prepared for this journey. I know it will be a long and difficult path, filled with reliving pain and guilt. But avoiding pain, avoiding life, is what got me here in the first place. I am finally ready to shoulder my responsibility. It has been a struggle to do this, but I am ready now.

give up
verb
1. (a) To surrender. (b) To devote (oneself) completely.
2. (a) To cease to do or perform. (b) To desist from; stop.
3. To part with; relinquish.
4. (a) To lose hope for. (b) To lose hope of seeing.
5. To admit defeat.
6. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do.

The person I was needs to stop existing. I want to be a doppelgänger of that person, the good version in one of those "good twin/evil twin" stories. I am going to cease being the person I was, and become reborn, more healthy and stronger. Like a phoenix. I am saying good-bye to that former self, and good riddence.
"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out." Mark 9:43
It sounds dramatic, but I fully hope to "cut off" all those parts of me that led me to this point. My needs and fears and hollow spots.
Within the 12-Step programs, there is alot of talk of 'surrender' and 'admitting defeat' and I never knew what I was supposed to surrender, but it is spelled out pretty clearly here. I am giving up that old way of thinking and behaving, and becoming a fresh person. Happy Birthday to me, I am born. but everyday is a new birthday, a new rebirth in the fresh day. "One day at a time" doesn't mean all the sins of yesterday are forgiven and forgotten. But it means "Life begins anew this day -- make the best of it, because it is the only day you have."
I want to live each day as a testament to the love I have for myself and my partner.
I realize, just now, or maybe i have known it all along, that all my actions in the past look like i am very narcisstic, but quite the opposite is true. I didn't love myself, and didn't treat myself well, just as I didn't show love for my partner or treat her well.

become
v.intr.
To grow or come to be.
v.tr.
1. To be appropriate or suitable to
2. To show to advantage; look good with.

This will be an ongoing process, a constant 'growing towards.'
But it also means that i will start to be more appropriate -- towards myself and my partner. Once this inner light is allowed to shine out, I will be transformed.

I WANT TO BE DIFFERENT! I WANT TO BE A GOOD PARTNER!
i AM willing to give up the person I was and become the person i can be.

(as a side note, i seem to have trouble avoiding the "life change as journey" conceit, so i will just stick with it for as long as i can)
(second note -- i don't name my partner to maintain anonymity, but if she would like, I could start using our names, or pseudonyms)

Yesterday's reflection:

"But it's a waste of my time and energy to be embarrassed by not knowing things, angry at my own ignorance, and it will keep me in the dark longer than I would ve there if I just broke down and asked for help. Only God knows everything -- the rest of us have a lot to learn. And we have other people to help us when we need help in order to understand. All we have to do is ask."

As I read this while sitting in the doctor's office, waiting for my first appointment, I was stuck at how appropriate it was -- I have been asking for more help than I have ever asked for before (from support groups, from my partner, from a doctor, from god) and I was receiving all this help. I feel lucky to have so much support in my life right now.
But I am reminded of the saying, "God helps those who help themselves."
I can't just ask god to make it all better, and poof, like magic, all is fixed. That magic doesn't exist. I need to put in effort and sweat and tears if I am going to make this better, for myself and for my relationship. All this help that i am being offered is there because I am seeking it out. When I stop seeking, I will stop receiving.
That scares me, because I am bad at asking for help. I want to believe I can fix myself all alone, that my problem is mine alone to fix...

Last night, my partner offered more help in the forms of a challenge and a suggestion. She challenged me to work harder because i was getting lazy, and that woke me up a bit. I cannot coast by and allow myself to get distracted.
She reminded me that I had a long road ahead of me. I was aware of that road, but I wasn't keeping it in perspective. I can't see the end, because it stretches to the horizon, but I am not expected to see the end. I was busy looking at the ground right beneath my feet, which is helpful when you are stumbling and trying to regain balance, but I should at least have a bit of balance now. So she reminded me to look at the middle distance. At a point further down the path that I am trying to get to, and pick the best way there, to avoid the stumbles that have held me back in the past. It is hard to see the obstacles if you aren't looking for them.
Then she made a suggestion -- a list of questions i can think about and answer that will help me find those stumbling points and help me to avoid them. It will be my radar.
I will start that list now.